Still

Silver lining

        I cannot deny the fact that writing lets me understand my present circumstances and really SEE what is going through my head. I don't have my brothers melancholic view of things about my college life or my future. I don't even know what my problem is... except for the fact that I have wallowed in self-pity long enough. I have tried to escape many times to prevent me from having to face the problem about my weakening faith. I allowed myself to enjoy more movies than spending time with my BEST FRIEND. I have settled to hope for just the size of a mustard seed. Just the right size, I thought-- to get me out of this gaol. So I am giving myself some Q&A's. Perhaps the situation is not bad as I see it. Though good advice lies deep within the heart, a person with understanding will draw it out. So by all means... I have got to dig some more! 


What situation are you in?
        For the moment, I have many school related stuff to settle. There are lab reports that I should have submitted last week but our group failed to do so. Thankfully, we have this Monday. Also, I am unable to come to class anymore for a few times already. I thought I will have to give up Plant Physiology like the rest of my classmates and take it next year if I still have the chance of schooling. But by not coming to class I am not doing what is right... It will look that I am joining a demonstration against my teacher. Moreover, I also think that even if I come to class I would still have a 93% chance of failing or shall I view it as a 7% chance of passing. Molecular Bio is the same but I still am fighting to pass even if it's still bleak. Phycology, Thesis Proposal, Hist50 and Theo131 are subjects I am at peace for now. 


        Family life with BJ is comforting. He went home today and will report some stuff about me (everything he sees and hears). However, I still cannot bear what my parents would say  after hearing that I have options about stopping school. These things I cannot settle quickly. Again, my spiritual eyes seem dim. The best reflection about how my spirit is doing would be my room. It's not very messy but manageable. It burdens me to meet my girls for FEAR that they would see that I have not been good at all.  There are lots of bags here and MISPLACED items. Another problem is that, I haven't got most of their hearts much more their hands. Oh well, this is what I mean of always starting... One day... HIS PROMISES HAVE TO BE FULFILLED.


The best solution would be...
        is to set foot in the present. (Now I understand how ridiculous I sound.) It's understandable that most of these worries are just "what if's" and lame excuses for under-performance.  I see that there are still things I am still fighting for (comforting) and some things I have given up on (sad i know). At best, it is better that I stay at present... looking back to the past often will only paralyzed my walk with the Lord to a pillar of salt, desperation for the future would also cause me to wallow more on unnecessary misery.  so...I should come home to the secret place and HEAR HIS WORDS once again not only write them. Clean up. Eat some food. phew! My thoughts needed this ALIGNMENT with GOD. School matters need to be worked on today. Exams are around the corner so I should be prudent with these. Family thingy may have to wait. With the girls-- I will deal with those I am able to reach for now. 


What was I thinking?
        I am in the best thrill ride of my life now. God has remained:  faithful in spite of my impaired vision. Strong in my weakness. Pure in in my blemishes. Loving despite all things. Above all, He has proven HIMSELF GRACEFUL. He pieced me whole, loved and more confident. Having valleys don't sound so bad after all.    

HS days: rainbow

To smile because a good friend and HS classmate just arrive the country is an UNDERSTATEMENT. 

This is sooo high school. 

I feel...

and after being reminded of DYH...

haha! But the chances that we see each other is bleak. That's just how it goes. 

Nakatawa lang ko sa akong self. 

disciple your heart: you cannot miss your season of formation

Our Hearts Conference last February 14 was a blast! Janice, my daughter gave me a heart wand thing. Sweet! Anyway, I'll be just sharing little glimpses of what I received that day.

From Ptr. JSalem (He shared about the book of RUTH)
@Discipling your heart takes SERIOUSNESS
@Discipling your heart requires GOD's HELP.
@Discipling your heart requires HARD[WORK].
@Discipling your heart requires you to GIVE YOUR RIGHTS TO GOD.
@Discipling your heart need you to be TRANSPARENT TO YOUR LEADER.

To be continued... =)

Spiral downward again?

I'm REALLY heartbroken with all the results I'm receiving from school. I almost texted my parents that I should stop schooling because I feel I am just wasting their money. It's like I'm not giving value to their hardwork. Lies! Lies! I screamed in my head. A tug in heart. The Holy Spirit was comforting me. I was reminded of my devotional:

2 Chronicles 25:9 (New Living Translation) 

Amaziah asked the man of God, “But what about all that silver I paid to hire the army of Israel?” The man of God replied, “The Lord is able to give you much more than this!”   

But of course! *thoughts silenced*

UNconsider

                At the start of this year. I told God that I would not consider anyone for a possibility of a romantic relationship or marriage. I said this would be a season for knowing myself better and discovering who I am in Christ. I declared that many dreams would be birthed out this year either long term or short term, along with the fulfillment of His previous promises to me. True to His word, there have been quite a few dreams born proudly on dawn devo's. Recently, God has awakened in me the love for writing and speaking. I even cried my heart out why I had endured Biology all these years. I have this appreciation reading and the arts--them humanities. I love photographs and travelling. I would have been trained better if I were on another course. But no fret, God has HIS way of things. Malipayon gihapon ko. 

               ANYWAY being reminded of this, I am willing to surrender to God all that I consider prematurely important. There is just no room for it yet. With all the college stuff I am into and the KINGDOM AGENDA, I cant afford to lose focus.  

update :)

I'm happy to be back on Facebook a few days ago. Much to my surprise the online community has not changed much. Threads keep on lengthening (as always). Perhaps, I might get used to being absent there unless--

Well, lots have happened this week. Its the start for finals for me, and as usual the midterm grades are coming out. If only I could stretch myself a little further! God says I can. (But can I really?) Everybody else is thinking of giving up. For real, I will not quit this time. My duel with BioChem left me with bloody regrets (when I could have passed). With deep breaths, yes I will push just a little further.

Also after 40 days of not buying anything vain. I finally bought a new phone (myPhone qtv20). I am not used to it yet but having both SUN and SMART made my connections a little bit convenient now. Bringing three phones everyday only stressed me and consumed a lot of time.

At best, the Love Bug has not had its effect on me directly. The turn of events only make me excited every time, especially that the Eagerlz will have HEARTS conference tomorrow. My girls cant wait any longer. haha! hearts!