Silver lining

        I cannot deny the fact that writing lets me understand my present circumstances and really SEE what is going through my head. I don't have my brothers melancholic view of things about my college life or my future. I don't even know what my problem is... except for the fact that I have wallowed in self-pity long enough. I have tried to escape many times to prevent me from having to face the problem about my weakening faith. I allowed myself to enjoy more movies than spending time with my BEST FRIEND. I have settled to hope for just the size of a mustard seed. Just the right size, I thought-- to get me out of this gaol. So I am giving myself some Q&A's. Perhaps the situation is not bad as I see it. Though good advice lies deep within the heart, a person with understanding will draw it out. So by all means... I have got to dig some more! 


What situation are you in?
        For the moment, I have many school related stuff to settle. There are lab reports that I should have submitted last week but our group failed to do so. Thankfully, we have this Monday. Also, I am unable to come to class anymore for a few times already. I thought I will have to give up Plant Physiology like the rest of my classmates and take it next year if I still have the chance of schooling. But by not coming to class I am not doing what is right... It will look that I am joining a demonstration against my teacher. Moreover, I also think that even if I come to class I would still have a 93% chance of failing or shall I view it as a 7% chance of passing. Molecular Bio is the same but I still am fighting to pass even if it's still bleak. Phycology, Thesis Proposal, Hist50 and Theo131 are subjects I am at peace for now. 


        Family life with BJ is comforting. He went home today and will report some stuff about me (everything he sees and hears). However, I still cannot bear what my parents would say  after hearing that I have options about stopping school. These things I cannot settle quickly. Again, my spiritual eyes seem dim. The best reflection about how my spirit is doing would be my room. It's not very messy but manageable. It burdens me to meet my girls for FEAR that they would see that I have not been good at all.  There are lots of bags here and MISPLACED items. Another problem is that, I haven't got most of their hearts much more their hands. Oh well, this is what I mean of always starting... One day... HIS PROMISES HAVE TO BE FULFILLED.


The best solution would be...
        is to set foot in the present. (Now I understand how ridiculous I sound.) It's understandable that most of these worries are just "what if's" and lame excuses for under-performance.  I see that there are still things I am still fighting for (comforting) and some things I have given up on (sad i know). At best, it is better that I stay at present... looking back to the past often will only paralyzed my walk with the Lord to a pillar of salt, desperation for the future would also cause me to wallow more on unnecessary misery.  so...I should come home to the secret place and HEAR HIS WORDS once again not only write them. Clean up. Eat some food. phew! My thoughts needed this ALIGNMENT with GOD. School matters need to be worked on today. Exams are around the corner so I should be prudent with these. Family thingy may have to wait. With the girls-- I will deal with those I am able to reach for now. 


What was I thinking?
        I am in the best thrill ride of my life now. God has remained:  faithful in spite of my impaired vision. Strong in my weakness. Pure in in my blemishes. Loving despite all things. Above all, He has proven HIMSELF GRACEFUL. He pieced me whole, loved and more confident. Having valleys don't sound so bad after all.    

January3: wish-Dom

9 Honor the Lord with your wealth
and with the best part of everything you produce.
10 Then he will fill your barns with grain,
and your vats will overflow with good wine.

@@don't just wish for wealth-- honor the Lord with what you have now. More will come later.

11 My child, don’t reject the Lord’s discipline,
and don’t be upset when he corrects you.
12 For the Lord corrects those he loves,
just as a father corrects a child in whom he delights.

@@It's good to position yourself to correction. You change. You grow.

13 Joyful is the person who finds wisdom,
the one who gains understanding.

@@Start of class na! Will my grades come Screaming for a beating or otherwise?

January2: So you want answers?

1Kings10:2b-3
When she met with Solomon, she talked with him about everything she had on her mind. 3 Solomon had answers for all her questions; nothing was too hard for the king to explain to her

*lots of questions popped up today. Really--Life's getting more complicated every year. Nonethless, God is there to answer! (even the most insignificant things of my life)